Posted: Friday, 4 January 2019 @ 13:43
As has been widely
reported today is Divorce D Day, where after having tried to manage over the festive period a number of couples decide to finally take the next step and choose to start divorce proceedings.
I have particular interest in this not just from a business perspective, but also I am recently divorced and I went through the process last year. I am pleased to say that I am lucky in that the divorce was as amicable as could be, the legal bill was not high and my ex-wife and I managed to reach agreement on everything.
What guidance could I give to any party?1. As hard is it is, where you can, try to reach agreement. The divorce process is such a roller-coaster. On the one hand it is really sad as you see a relationship confirming it is breaking up; it is also contains moments of optimism as you can hopefully see a way forward. Against this fragile background it really does pay to reach agreement where you can because the pain of a contested legal process is simply awful. This does not mean giving in but just being clever and trying to think long term.
2 Be aware lawyers are there to protect interests, but may not necessarily protect your primary interest which is your soul and your wallet(!) I was very lucky in that I had an excellent lawyer albeit she gave me some initial advice and drafted the agreement at the end. My experience of lawyers is that they are not necessarily sensitive to the wider picture. I can remember seeing something on my case(not from a divorce lawyer) and being really wound up. Any party has their feelings amplified as they are under stress and a contested legal process will exacerbate that.
3. Maintain/Grow outside interests. I think what really helped me in the divorce aftermath was to get involved in my running club(I set and achieved running goals) and I did yoga which I felt had some mental benefits. I found weekends particularly difficult as this is a void and I think if you can keep these occupied in a positive way this is very helpful for the mind. Please try to get out and not ruminate or just go online and watch tv.
4. Believe That This is For the Best. I am a firm believer in marriage and throughout the process I felt bad partly for my children. However, there does come a point when it is better for the children to have the parents who are happy apart rather than unhappy together. I did maintain a belief was a split was for the best. That helped my resolve in dealing with the tough moments - e,g telling the children, negotiating something difficult.
5. Learn From Others Who Do It Right or Wrong. We should try to see and be influenced by people who have done divorces as well as possible. This may be human nature but I was influenced by circumstances at close quarters from both clients and friends and family and was also influenced by other subtle moments. I remembered a time I met a middle aged lady going on how her ex cheated on her.(I did not want to be a victim) or I thought of previous divorce cases I trained on when the parties just rowed about nothing. Believe it or not there are also moments which are little, but quite lovely which can inspire. I remember a divorce mediation which I conducted where the estranged mother afterwards made more of an effort with her daughter. Sometimes healing can take place even during the process.
I do think I am better person having been divorced and maybe that is something good to come out of it.
Justin Patten, Mediator